Everyday has become a struggle, a struggle to keep my head just above the water. Waiting in fear of drowning any minute. Experiencing death is like drowning, you’re pulled under thrashing and kicking trying to reach the surface again for that one last breathe. Death is unpredictable it lies and waits attacking when you least expect it, as if it were a shark waiting for its prey. Wishing that I could have taken my chances with a shark instead of death. I can avoid the sea, the salt water of the ocean, thus removing myself from the possibility of an attack.
Thrashing the covers off of me, I think I’m between its teeth now. Pulling the covers off from over my head, opening my eyes to the truth that is you’re gone.
I’m not sure if I fear much of anything anymore. Even death to me now has a strange and mysterious lure.
I know that when I die my baby will be waiting there for me on the other side of life, which then becomes death.
We must be grateful for every time the page turns in this book that we call life.
-Rachel
4 Comments
Your writing is so raw and passionate. Thank you for giving us a glimpse into your life with Avie. She is such a unique and beautiful soul! You are an inspirational mother Rachel! I’m so sorry for your loss.
This is so beautifully written. Rachel I love you! I miss Avie, her sweet little giggle, her gorgeous smile, seeing you without her on your hip just seems wrong. I can’t imagine how you feel. I still haven’t been able to find words to try an ease your pain, or comfort you what so ever. Please know that you are truly one of my closest and dearest friends, I will always be here for you whenever you need me.
Rachel you are so so so beautiful, inside and out. it’s always seemed odd to me how things happen, unhappy, hurtful things to some of the best most honest, grateful and just good hearted people i know. While i watch ungrateful, unhappy hurtful people go through their lives with a pleasent ease. it made the statement ” only the good die young” seem so true. Sometimes i would catch myself questioning God, angry with him, like how could he let this happen to these good people and babies if he was so good….This thinking and that statement got me thinking, and referring to something i once read… it was something like, “God doesn’t hurt people and let them die and take babies away for no good reason. Every life is put on this earth for a specific reason. and their time to return home to God is already planned by the time of their arrival. Their life’s purpose might have been to open someone’s eyes, teach someone a lesson, give someone like you a chance to be a mother,. an amazing mother, even if it was short lived. i don’t know your beautiful baby girls purpose, but i can bet it was meaningful.
So even though I can only imagine how angry you might have felt at times and how frustrated you might be; try to remember that God is good. Only good. and he loves you. and your Avie. and your absolutely right, she will be waiting for you. She cannot wait, same as you.
Also remember that our earthly bodies are only temporary. Her beautiful spirit lives on. and will be with you always…. I hope you find some comfort in these words. I know i have experienced serious frustration with our good God. and he always put words like this in front of me, reminding me how great he is. Try to remember that she had a purpose for your life too. Not to hurt more, but to love more. Not to shut down, but to reach out. and Not take anything for granted, but live and appreciate and pause for gratitude each day like it could be your last. You will be in my prayers babe. I wish you well <3 xoxo
Do not grieve for me, for now i'm free
i'm following the path God laid for me
i took his hand when i heard him call
i turned my back and left it all
i could not stay another day
to laugh to love to learn to play
if my parting has left a void
than fill it with remembered joy
friendships shared, a hug, a kiss
ah, these things, i too will miss
be not burdened with times of sorrow
i wish you the sunshine of tomorrow
my life's been full, i've savored much
good friends good times a loved ones touch
perhaps my time seemed all too brief
don't lengthen it now with undue grief
lift up your heart and share with me
God wanted me home now, he set me free
💕💖💕 You've been in my thoughts rachel and i really wanted to reach out and give you a reminder of what a good person you are. how beautiful you are! and to go on living your life with gratitude that you were blessed with that sweet girl of yours presence. 💜 shanna xoxo
Thank you soo very much for the uplifting and beautiful words. I wanted to thank you for your support. I hope that when you read my words they can too begin to help you. Maybe they will help you to see whats really important in life and how precious and short life really is. Take it all in.. enjoy life and love love love as much as you can.
xoxo-
Rachel