Dear Avie, My thoughts of you keep me up at night. Flooding my mind. I am awake. I know I should be sleeping. No dreaming for me. Separating the light from the darkness. The darkness wants to take over. I won’t let the darkness possess me. Let me sleep with a light on. Send the sand man to me. Help me fall asleep. Watch over me through the night. Keep me from being afraid. I…

Dear Avie, The sea is so deep. I am searching for you. I can’t see what is underneath me. Shine a light. Show me the way. Cleanse me of the pain. Take away my misery. My eyes fill with tears. Flowing like water. Running down my cheeks. Resting upon my dry lips. Drinking my tears. Trying to quench my thirst. Tasting my own pain. The sadness. My madness. Xoxo- Mommy

Dear Avie The thought of wanting another baby came over me. The urge of motherhood seldom shocks through my body. My empty belly. The void that now fills my arms is taking over my entire body. The body that once carried you. Maybe if I had another baby you would be back in my arms again. Maybe this time things would be different. Maybe they wouldn’t be. My troubles have doubled. Pain staking. The trauma…

Dear Avie, Your ocean blue eyes. Those chunky cheeks. Your soft little hands. Your footprints will be imprinted in the sand. I wish you were here next to me. My love for you grows exponentially. Bring me a pair of wings. Help me. Set me free. I will linger on the mountain’s peak. I go there to escape the reality of the troubled valley down below. Falling down on my knees. I am begging you.…

Dear Avie, I miss you so much. I have been crying for most of the day. My tears are hard to control once they begin. Looking towards the sky. Looking up to you. Searching for you. Searching for myself down here. The bridge is icy. Proceed with caution. Riding around the bend. Which lane do I get in? The exit is coming. Do I take it? You already know. Will I make it? Xoxo- Mommy

Dear Avie, I have a constant stinging of pain in my heart. I need to fill up my empty cup. My half empty soul. The trauma I have endured can’t be erased from my mind. I don’t know how to treat my wounds. I am still trying to heal from the pain of yesterday. The scabs keep getting scratched off. Unable to completely heal. This will leave a scar. I don’t want to die. Save…

Dear Avie, You are the only one who can help me divide the light from the darkness. I have many miles ahead of me. Walk with me. Into the sea so that I can become clean. Don’t let my memories run away from me. I have to let it all out. I have to write it down. Forever here they will stay. I will keep swimming until I pass the ocean. I need to find…

Dear Avie, I am trying to clean the dirt off my skin. Stripping away the filth from underneath my nails. Digging my way out. Stretching my arms out to you with my bare hands. I am falling apart without you. Spread thin. Loving you comes easy. Living without you seems impossible. A pit in my heart grows deeper with each passing day. I want to learn how to live in the now. I need to…

Dear Avie, I lost you a year ago today. I remember sitting beside you in the hospital bed during the last few days of your precious life. I have never cried so much. I was drained of my own life that day. My soul shriveled up. I wish it was all a dream. I wish you were here with me. I am starting to run out of pictures of you. I have even lost you…

Dear Avie, My memories have already started to fade away. The distance between us is growing bigger and bigger. Your journal called out to me. It was calling my name. Time is slipping away. I would do anything to make you real again. My life will never be the same. It will never be as it once was. I don’t think I can take this pain forever. I hope the water will wash it all…